老闆人太好

下午工作時，聽到經理走進老闆辦公室，然後隱約講到我的名字。我一開始想說，完蛋了我是不是犯了什麼嚴重的錯誤，正在檢討自己最近寫的所有報告時，經理敲了我辦公室的門。 嚇我一跳。問說現在有沒有時間，該是時候把續約文件簽了。 我鬆了一口氣，原來是續約的事情哪。

回到十月中，那時來單位工作了一個半月，老闆邀我出去喝咖啡。我當時也以為我是不是犯了什麼錯所以還有點緊張 （感覺我這人時常虛心）。老闆問我在單位是否做得開心滿意，我說我真的很喜歡工作內容和環境，很直接的反問說，那妳呢？你覺的我做得行嗎？老闆說對我很滿意，並且就是為了這事而想和我商量在續約到四月。我不管爸媽反對，延畢問題，很開心的接受了。

過了兩個月，續約文件終於下來。經理手上有本聖經，這時我想到，前幾天在經理辦公室談話時看到這本聖經在她桌上覺得很納悶，想說她是最近生活工作壓力有多大，居然工作時也需要這麼直接的精神支助。原來聖經是簽合約的象徵程序。我把右手放在聖經上，並且朗讀紙上的誓約：我Sherry，發誓將會忠誠地服侍部長等的內容。作為實習生而言，這感覺挺隆重的。宣誓完後，經理讓我讀條約，我看到第二段很驚訝的問：你們給我加薪？！經理得意的說，妳老闆沒跟你說嗎？！我道謝說，妳們太親切了。

昨天，我去之前實習的公司參加聖誕節派對。老闆們都替我感到很開心，還說一直到現在都還在用我當時寫的報告去談生意，讓我感覺特別欣慰。

這兩年在事業上對我來說感覺特別興奮。從找工作當中學到很多，從工作內容中學到的更多，感覺不停在成長。雖然自己努力是一定的，但當中也有很多幫助我的人我真的得感謝。不管給我很多找工作建議的老哥，不停幫我禱告的老姐，老闆的推薦，爸媽和朋友們的加油，沒有他們我不可能今年能夠收穫這麼多。。

Co-op旅途第三部

現在想起來真的很奇妙。去年1月我才進co-op，完全沒有經驗，完全沒概念，連履歷表都不知道怎麼寫，剛開始一直被打回門票，被拒絕，被否認。現在已經將要做滿12個月的co-op，覺得這兩年成長了好多。

今年5月開始，很有幸的在剛成立的小型公司做了我第二個co-op。儘管老闆和同事們都很棒，這四個月卻讓我不安。其他三位學生很快就決定要延伸到8個月，我因為還有學分的問題本來就不太確定。 但做了1個月後，我開始感覺或許這裡不最適合我的辦公室。

到了六月底時，我負責的案子完成了，也感覺我沒什麼事可做。老闆們忙到不行，沒有時間和我討論工作內容，對負責比較重要工作的學生比較在意，我只好自己慢慢去摸索，做些覺得有用的事。那時我只能每天早上起來，9點開始研究北美關災難處理，把覺得有用的內容寫成報告，儲存在只有自己會去看的資料夾。每個禮拜信箱不到3封來信，而且大部分毫無工作內容。我4個月下來和老闆1 on 1 meeting大概不到5次。每次表示希望能夠一起討論工作內容和我的研究報告，卻一直被往後推，一直到最後一天都還是沒有機會跟老闆報告。每天都感覺很無奈很無力，並且體會到行屍走肉的感覺。早上始倒數期待吃午餐，吃完午餐就開始期待五點下班。

剛好在這個時候，我收到聯邦政府的學生考試通知，這是我一個月前抱著好奇心態申請的實習工作。我和老闆說我想試試看，測試自己的實力。並表示很抱歉，因為老闆之前有說我們學生可以選擇做8個月，我卻開始申請別的工作。讓我很驚訝的是，老闆居然說因為我的工作內容屬於短期性，他們本來就只想讓我做4個月。儘管我寧願她們一開始就和我講明，這倒是讓我鬆了口氣。

我全力以赴的去考試，之後被邀去正式面試。等了一個月卻還沒有消息，以為政府不要我了。不可否認，每當旁邊的同事學生說到9月要繼續工作時，我都會覺得有點格格不入。當中也很傷腦筋，既然民間公司我不那麼習慣，聯邦政府現在也不確定要我，那我到底適合什麼呢？

Co-op旅途第三次 II

到了8月初，新學期的工作也貼的差不多，我也快放棄了，恐怕9月只能回學校修繼續學分。

這時卻剛好看到聯邦政府經濟部的工作張貼。不用我哥提醒我就知道，這份工作競爭很激烈，畢竟當中也有研究所的學生在申請。我再次抱著好玩的心態申請。
但很幸運的隔天被要去面試。面試當中發現這裡的公務員很友善，幽默，和在總部比較嚴肅的公務員不一樣。工作地點很中心又很方便（離我家走路7分鐘）平時缺少信心的我心想，在這裡工作的學生一定很幸福，可惜那個人應該不會是我。
三天後，在辦公室接到經濟部的電話給我offer。我高興都來不及，結果隔天還接到原民部的offer。大家都覺得難以置信，我會不會太幸運了。

兩份工作都很理想，這恐怕是我做出最難的選擇了。比選男朋友還困難XD。
和家人，老闆和渥太華的長官討論後我決定去感覺比較“對”的經濟部。原民部的長官也很體諒我，並且願意把我留在他們的“池子”裡。就這樣，8月每天我都很興奮。等不及開始新旅途。

這並不代表說我在這家公司毫無價值，老闆人不好。相反的，我一點也不後悔來這家公司做。透過自己去鑽研災難應變我學到了很多政策問題，我也學到我到底喜歡這麼，什麼樣的工作才適合我，這難道不就是做co-op的意義嗎？

或許她們不是最“好”的主管，她們卻是打從心裡想幫助學生的。儘管老闆們平時太忙沒有時間理我，他們還是很貼心，主動，讓我上班中間去面試，給我很多建議。經濟部和原民部會給我offer也是因為老闆給我很棒的評價。 經濟部會找我面試也是因為我在私人企業的經驗。我打從心裡很謝謝我的老闆和這家公司。

生日周!

每年生日都剛好是大家最忙的時候, 家裡剛好都沒人, 朋友也都開學, 我自己也好懶 很少會有機會慶祝. 以前最多就是找3, 4個朋友來家裡吃飯.

以為22歲也會與往年一樣過得很低調. 想說就和兩三個朋有到家裡來紅酒加起司, 蛋糕就算了, 結果..

生日的前4天
就收到朋友的禮物和卡片, 罕見!

生日前一天
Waina很熱心地安排大家到Jerry的店裡光顧! 看到很久不見的高中朋友覺得已經是個很棒的禮物了, 結果之後拿出Jessie偷偷帶來的蛋糕, 啊, 不行了, 開心指數上升.

生日當天
早上被我爹的電話超醒. 老爸很興奮的說. 我說爸我還在睡
下班時剛好被Director抓到講話. 好不容易逃脫之後趕去拿當天下午頂的壽司 (發現那家的壽司超大塊, 抬回家後到現在左手還在酸痛). 到家時好朋友們都在家裡就位了. Anna還特地帶了自家特製macarons和Yaletown有名的蛋糕, John帶了有機紅酒, Rachel他們百忙之中還特別請假來, 平常討厭的三個人瞬間不那麼討厭.

表姊婷婷帶了第二瓶紅酒來 (這款好香!), 在小小的公寓裡吃蛋糕, 壽司, 披薩 和紅酒, (超級怪的組合), 同時還不停的透過facebook, 簡訊, email 收到各地來的祝福, 開心指數持續上升.

朋友走了之後, Amigo下班回來, 我們吃第二輪的壽司, 第二輪的蛋糕, 第二輪的紅酒... 第二輪的開心夜晚. 盡管10點多就開始收拾, 晚上卻很興奮的無法入眠.

生日隔天
好友Patrick從前兩個星期就說要帶我出去慶祝, 問我想做什麼. 我說想去做一個很"Sherry"的活動. 結果他給我兩個選擇. 一個是去市區外的一個空城看老舊房子, 不然就是去遊樂園玩. 我說我看起來會是想去遊樂園玩的嗎?

我睡到下午才起床, 急忙得直接把還在杯子裡的咖啡帶出去碰面. 一直往東開終於到了快看不到亞裔人的山區. 在裡面所有都是中年客戶

的community pub喝啤酒, 然後跑到河旁邊的浮木工業區觀察. 不知道畫了多少有Maple Ridge 和 Mission的地圖, 但的確不是什麼觀光景點, 這次還是來加拿大14年第一次去.

看到了一些荒廢破舊的農場我們開始放慢腳步研究, 走進一個荒田沒多久, 遠方的破舊房屋有人在叫我們, 回頭看是個中年白人男子, 臉頰紅紅地, 看來已經醉醺醺了..
微醉男子: Heyyyyyyyyy! Whhhhhaaaat aaaarrreee yoouuu doinnnnng!
Patrick連忙道歉: Sorry! Is this private property?
微醉男子: It's private property mannnnnnn! You want to take photos?!
Patrick: Not necessary! Thanks, we'll be off now!
想說這會不會像美國電影情節一樣, 郊區農田老頭子會突然拿出身旁的獵槍來, 趕緊上車開走.

繼續往東北部開, 經過兩間中高度管理女子監獄. 因為臨時尿急, 連忙停車, 跑進去問能不能借廁所. 以下是我們的對話:

*按下擴音對話機*
典獄長: How can I help you?
Patrick: Hi, may we borrow your washroom?
典獄長: Do you work here?
Patrick: No
典獄長: What's your name?
Patrick: eh..... Patrick?
典獄長: Sorry, no. (那問名字是做什麼)
Patrick: Okay, that's fine.
結果門居然自動開了. 我疑惑的踏入... 結果擴音器又來了典獄長的聲音: Sorry, you can't go in.
我心想, 那你還開門是幹嘛?!

之後我們到離監獄不遠的露營區內的無沖水功能的簡陋式廁所方便. 在很多來露營還順便自備馬匹的白人大家庭內, 我們很顯得格格不入.

上完廁所也累了, 在Port Moody吃完晚餐後就直接回家了.

這趟來還真的很尷尬. 雖然都算是溫哥華, 可是我們都發現自己原來這麼不了解這個地區, 好歹這代表了大概70~80%的省內"大"社區. 讓讀地理的我們感到有點慚愧. 但卻不可否認, 這次生日活動非常的另類特別, 也很有教育性.

生日隔兩天
好友Melody約我碰面. 其實經過了連續三天的慶祝, 我已經沒什麼精神, 所以當天就一直吃. 主要是, 我買了個很滿意的Herschel 背包當作生日禮物. 隔天馬上很不正經的背去上班.

我的生日 - 我的風格
今年感謝大家的合作, 雖然沒有號召天下來個特別的狂歡, 但這種慢慢和輕鬆地和大家享受人生才是我正真需要的 - 這讓我更加體會到我是實實在在的過生活, 我很愛我的生活和身旁的大家 - 我還需要多求什麼嗎?

I was a neurotic child

When I was about 7, my mum, like many other parents of the immigrant families, often left us to go "back" for work. It's how they put food on the table. I'm grateful. But it is also these occasional parting that made me understand how it feels to have somebody you love leave you, even if it's only for a little while, a few months. But that was exactly how I established the fact that I really love mum and that I want to value all the time we spend together, that I cry because I love her and I hate how I won't be able to see her for half a year. I'm really glad that I learned and experienced this love at a young age.

But it is also because of love that we fear, or at least for me that's the case. When I was about 7 or 8, I somehow learned that I, like any other, will die some day. I suppose I was a pretty neurotic child to be thinking about this at age 7. Anyway, I remember I was so saddened to learn the truth that I couldn't sleep, had no appetite and finally burst into tears. My parents asked me what was wrong, I told them that I don't want to die, I don't want them to die. They told me that I'm thinking ahead of myself. But as much as I feared death, my loved ones' deaths, what I really feared was that with death comes the complete wipe of my memories. I'm not too sure how I preceived death at that age, but I think I believed that there will be a lifetime after another.

My greatest fear was that I won't remember my loved ones. I was panicking because I realized I might forget everything, everybody and most importantly, forget love. I remember thinking to myself, is there anyway that I can carve all my memories of my mum, dad, Chris and Steve into my mind forever that it will outstand death, so that by the time I arrive at the following lifetime, I will still remember that I love them the most.

Just suddenly recalled this today and thought to myself, so I was already that neurotic back then!

4年前的今天

4年前, 差不多就在這個時候, 剛好9月, 我開始了大學新生活. 剛才翻到那時候寫的文章想到自己一開始真的很害怕大學生活. 儘管興奮, 也參雜了更多憂慮. 可時不完全是我啊. 當時接待我的學長整個就很悶, 讓我第一天就覺得這是個很悶的學校. 英文課剛好選到最無聊的B.C.文學, 開學的第一個星期居然重感冒. 那時才一年級, 整個學期完全失去目標, 熱情, 一心只想畢業, 離開, 長大.

轉眼間就要開始大學第5年了, 要是以前的我問我為什麼延畢, 說因為太喜歡現狀了, 那時的我絕對不會相信.

因此我決定這次報名接待新生. 一開始對自己很驚訝, 我居然真的大從心裡想要幫助新生, 3天受訓, 全部算義工. 後來想想, 大概是有點想和當時的自己釋懷吧. 反正我本來就很神經質.

終於新生日到了. 我們在玫瑰花園舉著牌子等新生. 旁邊的接待學姐被分到一群超級安靜害羞的亞洲學生. 我被分配到15個學生. 一開始以為只有6, 7個學生會來, 沒想到大家都來了. 裡面一大半的學生都是美國來的小孩, 深怕大家會太high然後很難帶. 沒想到, 雖然比起旁邊的亞洲學生興奮很多, 大家卻都很合作玩遊戲, 問問題, 活動還沒開始大家都和生旁的人都變成好朋友了. 有時候會到比較害羞的人旁邊找話題聊, 讓他們也融入氣氛.

最讓我感到欣慰的就是大家都留到活動最後 (旁邊組的人已經走了一大半). 而且到最後每個人都還是很開心, 連比較安靜的學生都來跟我說他們覺得這次的接待很棒. 這大概代表我成功囉!

當天, 我和新學生分享了我這五年的經驗...

我告訴大家, 人文系的美就是在於它選擇太多, 世界太大. 到最後會因為太多想拿的課沒拿完而不想畢業

我告訴大家, 人文系裡沒有分聰明和不聰明. 學生的成敗在於"態度". 有心學習自然就會找到最好的學習方式, 做最好的選擇, 最後拿到好分數.

我告訴大家, 人文系會遭來鄙視, 因為大家都覺得人文學與現代社會的要求不符, 某些方面來講這是真的, 但並不代表學生沒有辦法在熱情與現實當中找到平衡. 剛開始讀地理時, 每次去朋友聚會時就會有人問我, "喔, 妳讀地裡喔? 啊妳之後要做什麼? 畫地圖嗎?" 但這些嘲笑更讓我不服氣. 3年後, 他們的嘲諷卻變成現實, 藉著co-op, 我有幸在聯邦政府開始畫地圖.

我告訴大家, 只要有心, 不管讀什麼系, 都一定會找到屬於你的"家". UBC 的座右銘不是騙人的: tuum est - it is yours.

Summer night post

I feel so bad for not posting for so long. The truth is, I never really had the energy and will. Whenever I get home from work, I have to prepare something to eat, then probably do some jogging, have my piano session and my day is pretty much over. Okay I lie, but I'd usually be too tired to do anything else. During the weekends as well, the two valuable days are generally reserved for me to be lazy. As you can see, I'm not really writing with my brain here.

I never knew work can drain so much energy from me. Especially when I did not relocate for this job, just comfortably commuting a short distance within my niche. I wonder if seasons have a play in this. Do people get tired easily during summer? I just googled my problem and it tells me it's due to the loss of water and salt. I doubt it though.

Nonetheless, the beauty of a full-time job is you play your life around it. I can't really do much, but I enjoy the occasional evening dates, night strolls and grocery shopping. I haven't had too much time to read during the weekdays but I've been working a lot more on it on the weekends. I'm currently reading all of Yrsa Sigurdardottir's novels.

The days are getting warm, and it's my constant concern that Mr. Mimi gets too hot that he's uncomfortable. Every summer I worry about the same thing. I just can't imagine how it feels to wear a whole lot of fur on a hot day, my poor ginger, he's lying on my bed frowning at his own paws as I type now. How do I convince him that he's already done a great job licking himself?

It is past 12 and I'm dreading for this coming week. I really have no reason to do so, but it's a matter of personal expectation and indulgence in self-criticism. Such a horrible thing to have. I've even prayed at Church today, hoping that I can really get rid of such a bad habit.

I frickin' need to let go and move on man!

93 Things to do at UBC

 93 things to do at UBC

 1) Find The Ubyssey’s Office in the SUB
 2) Spend 24 hours straight in IKB
 3) Be the only fan at a UBC Thunderbirds game
 4) Drink beer on the knoll with a go-mug
 5) Storm the Wall
 6) Have a wizard battle in the Harry Potter room
 7) Find the Farm
 8 ) Jump on the bouncy bushes 1st year Student Orientation
 9) Fall asleep on a couch in the SUB during the day
 10) Stand in the middle of the weird echo chamber on Main Mall Student orientation
 11) Explore the famed steam tunnels
 12) See a play at Freddie Wood Billy Bishop Goes to War
 13) Get lost on campus because you didn’t bother to look at a map Check
 14) Get your groove on at the Pit
 15) Steal an umbrella
 16) Punch someone at McDonalds
 17) Do Day of the Longboat
 18) Become a treehugger Fulfilled by being a Geography student
 19) Play bocce during class time on Main Mall
 20) Take part in the annual undie run
 21) Find Toope’s house
 22) Build a milk crate fort
 23) Get frisky with someone in the Koerner Library Stacks
 24) Engage in competitive axe throwing
 25) Sign a petition for something you don’t care at all about
 26) Get on top of a roof
 27) Visit the SUB Art Gallery
 28) Come up with a drinking game that isn’t King’s Cup
 29) Watch a 99 B-Line pass you up, making you late for class
 30) Fuck in the bushes
 31) Play “Campus Golf”
 32) Take a swim at Wreck Beach
 33) Pie a student politician in the face
 34) Write your paper’s conclusion on the bus
 35) Slide down the Knoll on a cafeteria tray
 36) Urinate in the weird sink at the Pit
 37) Feed pigeons outside the SUB
 38) Choose a favourite pigeon
 39) Name the pigeon
 40) Become irrationally attached to the pigeon
 41) Be immature and make fun of a stupid sign on campus Check
 42) Reveal the truth behind the mysterious field next to Totem
 43) Do an exchange to UBC-O
 44) Go to the Vancouver Art Gallery on 4-20
 45) Buy a vintage game system
 46) Get too invested in said game system
 47) DO A BARREL ROLL!
 48) Have a two month pottery craze
 49) Join a club just because the president is hot
 50) Make a porno
 51) Create a flash mob about anything
 52) Start a really weird club
 53) Smoke up in behind Totem Park
 54) Plant a flag on the Knoll
 55) Pick up the only girl in your engineering class
 56) Pick up the only boy in your nursing class
 57) Discuss how pretty the Mayor of Vancouver is, regardless of politics
 58) Forage for berries behind Brock Hall
 59) Make out with Mike Duncan
 60) Take a nap at the swimming pool and feel refreshed
 61) Get overly passionate about the Canucks
 62) Take pictures of people who care about the Canucks way too much Check
 63) Criticize those people on Facebook Check
 64) Take a dip in the fountain outside Irving K. Barber
 65) Feed Otis
 66) Learn how to roll a joint from Ubyssey alumnus Pierre Berton
 67) Enter Norm Theatre sober and leave it drunk
 68) Attend Block Party
 69) Be sad it’s not Arts County Fair
 70) High-dive into the pool despite the tent
 71) Play ultimate frisbee on the top of a parkade in the middle of the night
 72) Try the Canopy Walkway at Botanical Gardens
 73) People watch at the anime convention
 74) Write a midterm hungover
 75) Sleep through a midterm
 76) Be a joke candidate in an election
 77) Build a raft to float across the moat of the Asian Centre
 78) Try out for a Thunderbird varsity team despite failing to meet any qualifications
 79) Be overly happy when the sun breaks out after ten days of rain, be overly pissed when the rain returns five minutes later.
 80) Learn about DC++
 81) Go to Nitobe Gardens, ignore the natural beauty, and play Angry Birds
 82) Don’t stop believing Check
 83) Have the balls to try and deface the E in the middle of the day
 84) Get tanked by the engineers
 85) Get threatened with arrest by Campus Security
 86) Copy something cool you saw at another university
 87) Make that cool thing ridiculously over the top
 88) Feel a deep sense of shame waiting in line at McDonald’s at 2:30 in the morning
 89) Build an impractical but awesome robot
 90) Ride a pony with the Equestrian Club
 91) Drink a beer in class
 92) Spend 6 years to get your degree, do go global, make best friends, lose best friends, find yourself, find your true love, lose your true love, and make the years you spend at the university of british columbia the most memorable and rewarding of your life
 93) Graduate.

民間辦公室初體驗

去年秋天很幸運的第一次實習是在渥太華的政府辦公室, 並且自認很順利的融入辦公室體系, 深討同事與長官們的喜愛. 工作雖辛苦 (好歹我也自願加班), 卻非常滿足.
今年第二次實習, 很幸運的第一次到剛成立的民間公司熱血地和創辦人一同打拼 (飆汗).
辦公室氣氛很輕鬆, 不太像政府機關那比較悶的環境. 同事們都是同年齡, 感覺沒有什麼階級問題, 老闆們很幽默很貼心, 從之前e-mail溝通和面試時都還記得我喜歡黑巧克力, 數學不好, 然後喜歡起司. 目前正在努力的了解民間公司的文化.

我很聽和約的話, 說要與客戶見面時得打扮地正式. 早上套裝都穿好了, 要出門時赫然發現沒有像樣的皮鞋. 不是帆布鞋就是牛津鞋要不然還有馬丁 (完全都是去上學的傢伙). 我翻箱倒櫃總算找到老姐留下來的黑色高跟鞋, 而且居然還穿得下. 二話不說馬上塞進去然後趕去搭捷運了.
走出去馬上就後悔, 平常沒有穿高跟鞋的習慣走路好痛苦. 而且走yaletown凹凸不平的紅磚路更難過, 每一步讓我深深感覺設計這雙鞋的人一定很痛恨腳. 今天整天都不敢站起來, 出去買午餐滿頭大汗.
總算我撐到五點下班, 痛苦的搭車忍耐到下站時..... 已經無奈到無法站穩的我, 在地鐵煞車的此時, 我整個人失去平衡然後往塑膠板上跌上去, 我慘叫, "啊~~~~~~~~~~~" (請留意這可是個很安靜的車廂, 大家剛下班都累到不行) 我那肥胖的身材馬上害我反彈回去, 撞到隔壁女生, 然後把她手中的智慧型手機撞飛出去. 我馬上撿起來還她, 急忙道歉 (她急忙說沒關係), 然後怕門快關了馬上跑出去.....

我馬上後悔, 心想應該剛才順便把學校的名片也給她, 留下電話姓名. 壞掉的話她肯定會恨死我.
抱歉了 = = 我現在只祈禱各位在座, 在"站"乘客能儘快忘記我就好了, 明天我會故意加班希望不會在同時段遇到大家..

老闆, 我放棄了, 明天我直接帆布鞋上陣, 妳無法說服我了!! (握)

I was 15

我今天21歲. 幾個月後我馬上就要22了.
這個星期寫信給原民部, 環評署, 北溫的原住民政府. 今天開始第一天實習, 雖然這星期是telecommunicating, 可是已經有papercut.
打開記事本, 已經被密密麻麻的黑字覆蓋住了, 感謝神, 這感覺很滿足. 卻慢慢地自我要求又提升了, 開始檢討, 說為什麼不能做得更好, 然後計畫三個月後的事, 明年的事. 想說, "慢下來", 卻又說不得, 要繼續跑. 我覺得這已經不是自我要求高了, 這個本就是貪心.

9年級那年我15歲, 只有我和老姐住在那大大的burby房. 兩個人在那麼大的空間裡讓人喪失安全感. 過度注意別人看自己的眼光, 和朋友斤斤計較, 想在大家面前表現得很若無其事, 無辜, 努力, 標準的乖小孩. 說什麼都要維護自己愚蠢的名譽. 10:50開始的午時勾心鬥角, 在廁所的嘶吼, 教室外的小圈圈. 還未知道"慾望"是什麼之前, 那好奇心過剩的身體開始的初體驗. 想著想著都快瘋掉了, 一下生氣, 一下自我同情, 一下得意, 一下一心想造反. 我心想我要逃到遠遠的地方, 長大之後不在回來. 一定不回來.

那6月傍晚的園遊會, 我們用剛被塞進手中的傳單, 那勉強收到的傳單, 勉強的撕成5, 6 塊. 各自寫下了願望, 綁在氣球上. 然後, 1, 2, 3. 放手. 對著刺眼的橘色天空皺眉, 看著氣球慢慢的飄蕩, 直到它消失. 就在此時, 就在此時, 我已經審判了自己. 誰知道自己現在就像那裝著空空的氣體的橡皮袋一樣流浪, 然後慢慢的不被注意.
我和同學開車去原著民的社區, 後座放著連夜趕出來的地圖, 資料夾裡是會議內容. 她握著方向盤, 我坐在副駕駛座, 目視著前方. 偏僻的高速公路上只有我們一台車, 以自己的速度前進. 她問我高中時住哪, 我說了. 她問我喜歡嗎. 原本可以喜歡的, 但因為不喜歡那油膩膩的15歲, 所以有和那關連的空間也就跟著不喜歡了. 她說, "這樣就真的太可惜了, 妳往後路過那個地方一定會覺得很難過, 地理系的妳原來真的這麼'地理'". 我說, "每個人應該都很'地理', 只是無法解釋對空間的情感" 我反問, "那妳, 妳小時候住哪裡" 她說, "我從小到大都住在我家裡" 我說, "那妳喜歡嗎", 她想都不用想直接自豪地說, "當然喜歡". 我說, "那太可惜了". 她表情有點錯愕. 我說, "妳要離開的時候一定會很難過, 從此之後, 對妳來說那就成為離別的空間, 除非妳某天在次回去, 否則那記憶會永遠纏繞著妳". 她想了一下, 默默的說, "其實我也有在害怕".

I loved, I hated, I desired, I lived, all in all in my own twisted ways.
I was 15 but I wanted to be someone else so bad.
Guess what I wrote on my balloon that fateful evening.
"I wanted to become someone whom I would like".
I realized now that this won't ever be fulfilled. Never. As long as I'm the one charged with the duty.
Here I am, I made it through, but has long forgotten that day and my teenage sins, at the same time, thinking what the hell did I just write here. Convinced, that it's time for bed.

Don't run

When I was about two or three, I had started to walk.My dad used to take me to the city park nearby for evening strolls.
A child is always excited to see the open wide space, the broad blue sky. I was no exception, I wanted to run because it gave me a sense of freedom and control - something a city child is rarely awarded.
I would begin to race myself, it felt liberating.

That was when I would hear my dad call from the back, "don't run, stop"
I never listened, his voice was so muffled and insignificant, shadowed by my crave for freedom and the movement of my body, it felt so good, so alive!
But he would never stop, his voice would constantly echo from behind as a distraction, "Don't run. You will fall. You will fall"
I still wouldn't listen. I never did. As a child I was in fact annoyed, his voice made me want to run even faster.

But somehow, after a few leaps, I would actually fall onto my knees, scraping the skin, crushing against the hard gravel. That's when I would feel the sting, the pain and then feelings of defeat.

I would sit there and cry, though I didn't know whether it was because of the physical pain or the frustration from failure. I always waited for my dad to rush to me and pick me up. He always did, just as how he always said with a sigh, "what did I tell you?" Then he would carry me back home as I quietly weeped.

I never understood why he always told me not to run. I had wondered why my dad would say that. Didn't he have any confidence or faith in me? Did he not trust me? Why would he discourage his own child from running hard?

neighbours

Why do I always end up living beside rude and annoying neighbours who cause sound pollution. While living on Homer, I had to endure endless sex moan during the summer nights. This time, I have to sleep with booming clubbing music on the other side of my bedroom wall.

My irresponsible building manager said "there's nothing we can do", I could only file noise complaints to the police, who, most likely, hasn't taken any action so far.

But how can they torture me like this on a Thursday night? I have class the next morning and I intend to show up on time. I couldn't take it anymore and wanted to knock on their door, only to be stopped by my brother. Then he called the police again. Well they were more helpful this time, after we told them exactly which suite was causing the noise, said they'll be here.

I went back to bed, had a shallow nap until they buzzed us and then SHOWED UP outside of my bedroom requesting to listen to the noise from the room. In my messy hair and the strangest rag I wear as my pajama, I greeted them and stepped outside.

They spoke in a strong Austrilian accent. The shorter one insisted that there's "nothing they can do", while the taller officer wanted to help, and apologetically said he'll try to do something so I can go back to sleep peacefully.

I went back to bed again, the noise seemed to have died down, but I don't know whether it was because the music had really stopped, or because I was too exhausted to notice any sound...

not taking the lead

I've written about my four month of experience in Ottawa, and the painful six month prior to that. But I purposely left out the spiritual part of my personal account, not because that I don't acknowledge God's presence in my life, but because I needed to digest all the amazing things He's done to me.

My description of the difficult time during my job hunt was understated I think. I wanted to sound cool and not exaggerate my "epic and dramatic struggle in seeking a co-op job for the summer". But even now when I think back to my experience, those few sentences did not capture all what I was dealing with.

I was not happy with a whole lot of rejections, after trying so hard to apply five jobs a week, sending out nearly 80 applications and going to 13 interviews. I was also lost in life and unsure of what I can do after graduation, what I really want to do and how I can do it, and being in the co-op program was not helping because I couldn't even find a job. I was so anxious that I was thinking about pursuing a second degree, a different minor, or a practical diploma. I was even thinking about taking a term off to consider my future, but none of them seemed right. Everyday I prayed for interviews, everyday I think about my strategies, I applied to all kinds of jobs whether I like them or not, hoping that one of them would hire me.

Having no offers at all, I thought if I really chose the wrong program, whether I should have taken my parents (and most people)'s advice in academics and I was so angry at myself for thinking this way. I don't know how many times did I ask God, "why do other students and my other friends have jobs, but not me? I try hard also, or perhaps harder than any of them, but why am I not seeing the results?"

Then May came silently but surely. I knew I wouldn't get a job for the summer, I failed. So I took a Scandinavian course for elective and kind of just "gave up". I said to God:

"I am so tired, both from a lack of sleep and a lack of direction. I worked non-stop for the past four months and got nothing out of it. I don't know why I had no response from You, but I'm just gonna let it flow, and I'll let you take the lead"

I didn't completely give up. I just decreased the number of applications I'm doing, applying only to the ones I'm really interested in, finding a balance in my life, spending more time with friends than I used to, going out for drinks with my Scandinavian classmates, reading more books and resuming Church. I was too tired being my own boss, worrying about every single thing in my life, every single application, every single word in my cover letters and resume. I told God that I'm gonna let Him be my boss, let him do the worrying, let him Him guide me to wherever he's planning to, becuase I know that if I continue to do this, I will collapse and I will need to see a counsellor.

In June, I got my first interview with the federal government, the organization that I dreamed about working with but never applied to because of my lack of qualification. In July I was hired.

After I received the call about the job offer at 7 am in the morning (10am Eastern time), I weeped silently, and I thanked God, it was the best I could ever have hoped for.

Here I am now, a year later, applying to my second co-op job. I'm still working hard, still a bit worried, but this time, I'm just gonna let God take the lead again. I don't know what's gonna happen, but I trust God that He knows the best and I will only need to follow him.

Sick with flu, once again

It happens almost every time when I start a new school term (and sometimes when I end a term). I get sick for some reason, mostly stupid reasons. On Saturday, I felt really warm when I went to bed, so I decided to leave the window opened. And I got sick like that! Just like that! And I hate catching a cold, because my symptoms are really annoying. I cough a lot, which is really painful for me as I have bad lungs (having a history of pnumonia <-- how to you spell this? and asthma). Yesterday was worse than usual though, I had fever and back pains.

Today when I got up I felt deprived of all energy, but I still decided to go to school because I don't really like to miss the first and second week of class, especially when I still have all these course schedule crap to sort out. Thank goodness I managed to get a seat on the bus, I slept through the whole way. I felt dizzy through the whole day. After I finished my second class, I thought about going home, since I was most likely going to drop the third class. But somehow I still waited through my two hours break - wandering around the geography building with terrible back pain and dizziness - and went anyway. After class, I thought I should still be courteous and notify the professor that I am going to drop the course, and I thought I might as well ask for her opinions. She basically convinced me to stay in the class - I love enthusiastic instructors.

For the whole bus ride back home, my back pains didn't cease. Usually I would only get muscle pain around my legs and arms, never my BACK. Originally I thought about stopping by the grocery store to get myself a salad for tonight's dinner, but ended up doing grocery shopping. By the time I arrived home, I was half dead and basically skinned off my clothings and got onto bed for a two hours sleep.

By the time I woke up I was still in pain. So I called some clinics around me to try and make an appointment. And NONE of them was open or available. I couldn't even sit properly becuase my back ached so much. I lay down for a while and read my textbook, sat at the desk again to work on my assignment. Now I'm typing this with a cushion against my back. And I'm typing this because I can't fall asleep nor can I concentrate on my studies.