I was a neurotic child

When I was about 7, my mum, like many other parents of the immigrant families, often left us to go "back" for work. It's how they put food on the table. I'm grateful. But it is also these occasional parting that made me understand how it feels to have somebody you love leave you, even if it's only for a little while, a few months. But that was exactly how I established the fact that I really love mum and that I want to value all the time we spend together, that I cry because I love her and I hate how I won't be able to see her for half a year. I'm really glad that I learned and experienced this love at a young age.

But it is also because of love that we fear, or at least for me that's the case. When I was about 7 or 8, I somehow learned that I, like any other, will die some day. I suppose I was a pretty neurotic child to be thinking about this at age 7. Anyway, I remember I was so saddened to learn the truth that I couldn't sleep, had no appetite and finally burst into tears. My parents asked me what was wrong, I told them that I don't want to die, I don't want them to die. They told me that I'm thinking ahead of myself. But as much as I feared death, my loved ones' deaths, what I really feared was that with death comes the complete wipe of my memories. I'm not too sure how I preceived death at that age, but I think I believed that there will be a lifetime after another.

My greatest fear was that I won't remember my loved ones. I was panicking because I realized I might forget everything, everybody and most importantly, forget love. I remember thinking to myself, is there anyway that I can carve all my memories of my mum, dad, Chris and Steve into my mind forever that it will outstand death, so that by the time I arrive at the following lifetime, I will still remember that I love them the most.

Just suddenly recalled this today and thought to myself, so I was already that neurotic back then!

4年前的今天

4年前, 差不多就在這個時候, 剛好9月, 我開始了大學新生活. 剛才翻到那時候寫的文章想到自己一開始真的很害怕大學生活. 儘管興奮, 也參雜了更多憂慮. 可時不完全是我啊. 當時接待我的學長整個就很悶, 讓我第一天就覺得這是個很悶的學校. 英文課剛好選到最無聊的B.C.文學, 開學的第一個星期居然重感冒. 那時才一年級, 整個學期完全失去目標, 熱情, 一心只想畢業, 離開, 長大.

轉眼間就要開始大學第5年了, 要是以前的我問我為什麼延畢, 說因為太喜歡現狀了, 那時的我絕對不會相信.

因此我決定這次報名接待新生. 一開始對自己很驚訝, 我居然真的大從心裡想要幫助新生, 3天受訓, 全部算義工. 後來想想, 大概是有點想和當時的自己釋懷吧. 反正我本來就很神經質.

終於新生日到了. 我們在玫瑰花園舉著牌子等新生. 旁邊的接待學姐被分到一群超級安靜害羞的亞洲學生. 我被分配到15個學生. 一開始以為只有6, 7個學生會來, 沒想到大家都來了. 裡面一大半的學生都是美國來的小孩, 深怕大家會太high然後很難帶. 沒想到, 雖然比起旁邊的亞洲學生興奮很多, 大家卻都很合作玩遊戲, 問問題, 活動還沒開始大家都和生旁的人都變成好朋友了. 有時候會到比較害羞的人旁邊找話題聊, 讓他們也融入氣氛.

最讓我感到欣慰的就是大家都留到活動最後 (旁邊組的人已經走了一大半). 而且到最後每個人都還是很開心, 連比較安靜的學生都來跟我說他們覺得這次的接待很棒. 這大概代表我成功囉!

當天, 我和新學生分享了我這五年的經驗...

我告訴大家, 人文系的美就是在於它選擇太多, 世界太大. 到最後會因為太多想拿的課沒拿完而不想畢業

我告訴大家, 人文系裡沒有分聰明和不聰明. 學生的成敗在於"態度". 有心學習自然就會找到最好的學習方式, 做最好的選擇, 最後拿到好分數.

我告訴大家, 人文系會遭來鄙視, 因為大家都覺得人文學與現代社會的要求不符, 某些方面來講這是真的, 但並不代表學生沒有辦法在熱情與現實當中找到平衡. 剛開始讀地理時, 每次去朋友聚會時就會有人問我, "喔, 妳讀地裡喔? 啊妳之後要做什麼? 畫地圖嗎?" 但這些嘲笑更讓我不服氣. 3年後, 他們的嘲諷卻變成現實, 藉著co-op, 我有幸在聯邦政府開始畫地圖.

我告訴大家, 只要有心, 不管讀什麼系, 都一定會找到屬於你的"家". UBC 的座右銘不是騙人的: tuum est - it is yours.