not taking the lead

I've written about my four month of experience in Ottawa, and the painful six month prior to that. But I purposely left out the spiritual part of my personal account, not because that I don't acknowledge God's presence in my life, but because I needed to digest all the amazing things He's done to me.

My description of the difficult time during my job hunt was understated I think. I wanted to sound cool and not exaggerate my "epic and dramatic struggle in seeking a co-op job for the summer". But even now when I think back to my experience, those few sentences did not capture all what I was dealing with.

I was not happy with a whole lot of rejections, after trying so hard to apply five jobs a week, sending out nearly 80 applications and going to 13 interviews. I was also lost in life and unsure of what I can do after graduation, what I really want to do and how I can do it, and being in the co-op program was not helping because I couldn't even find a job. I was so anxious that I was thinking about pursuing a second degree, a different minor, or a practical diploma. I was even thinking about taking a term off to consider my future, but none of them seemed right. Everyday I prayed for interviews, everyday I think about my strategies, I applied to all kinds of jobs whether I like them or not, hoping that one of them would hire me.

Having no offers at all, I thought if I really chose the wrong program, whether I should have taken my parents (and most people)'s advice in academics and I was so angry at myself for thinking this way. I don't know how many times did I ask God, "why do other students and my other friends have jobs, but not me? I try hard also, or perhaps harder than any of them, but why am I not seeing the results?"

Then May came silently but surely. I knew I wouldn't get a job for the summer, I failed. So I took a Scandinavian course for elective and kind of just "gave up". I said to God:

"I am so tired, both from a lack of sleep and a lack of direction. I worked non-stop for the past four months and got nothing out of it. I don't know why I had no response from You, but I'm just gonna let it flow, and I'll let you take the lead"

I didn't completely give up. I just decreased the number of applications I'm doing, applying only to the ones I'm really interested in, finding a balance in my life, spending more time with friends than I used to, going out for drinks with my Scandinavian classmates, reading more books and resuming Church. I was too tired being my own boss, worrying about every single thing in my life, every single application, every single word in my cover letters and resume. I told God that I'm gonna let Him be my boss, let him do the worrying, let him Him guide me to wherever he's planning to, becuase I know that if I continue to do this, I will collapse and I will need to see a counsellor.

In June, I got my first interview with the federal government, the organization that I dreamed about working with but never applied to because of my lack of qualification. In July I was hired.

After I received the call about the job offer at 7 am in the morning (10am Eastern time), I weeped silently, and I thanked God, it was the best I could ever have hoped for.

Here I am now, a year later, applying to my second co-op job. I'm still working hard, still a bit worried, but this time, I'm just gonna let God take the lead again. I don't know what's gonna happen, but I trust God that He knows the best and I will only need to follow him.