oh the lovely reading break

Was watching my sister's engagement party in Taipei LIVE on SKYPE, and got kind of excited seeing all my lovely relatives. Technology does wonders eh..

Now, to make myself sleepy, might as well just do some typing.

Been applying to countless jobs these days and freaked out because *sniff* nobody wants me.

I think I'm actually quite a selfish person to be honest. I remember praying to God two years ago after a job interview with Jet Set hoping that I'll get the job. And I said to both of us "I'll be totally satisfied once I get this job, because I'll be happy with this solid job experience". And I got it, praise the Lord. Last year in September, I prayed again, asking God to let me be admitted into Co-op, I said to both of us "I don't care if I'm sacrificing a lot of time for this program, I just want to be in there so I can be exposed to those job opportunities". And I got in, praise the Lord.

Right now, I hear myself praying everyday, repeating the same old phrase, except with the goal changed, I'm saying to God, "Let me have a job, so I can get another experience". And as usual, I have to be an Otaku. I find myself staring into the cold monitor every night, filling out applications, uploading resumes, don't forget the papers.

I feel that I really need a break, after trying hard in many things. I could use some time to go jogging, cook more decent meals, or watch more television. But looking back, it seems that I'll never be satisfied with what I have or what I've done so far. Seeing how other people are successful already, I would forget what I've said before and think right away, "gosh I need to work hard too", and thus the vicious cycle continues.

The other day my mind was in a state of chaos, maybe not so many things to do, but many to worry about, as if someone crumbled a thick pile of to-panic lists into my brain, and I'm trying to use that few weak cells in my head to unfold each one. Just then I walked by a store on Robson street, and saw the familiar huge red poster, "Keep Calm and Carry on". I see it often, but I rarely would think about it. At that instant I wanted to hide in the dumpster and weep, I was full of shame and disgust.

I guess I've forgotten that it's not only me. I don't think I'm in the position to panic for the things that I'm going through nor do I deserve to panic, to be disappointed, and to ask for more.

I think I will try to pray for other things tonight. I want to say to us, "deep breath, relax, you're doing fine".