blue rain

HEY! I think I just came up with a real good title, sounds like one of those names for pop ballads.

But indeed, 'blue rain' does describe my state of mind at the moment. Got up at 8:30 to find out that it's raining. It's Raining. IT'S RAINING.

I haven't seen rain for too long. The last time I saw rain was a month ago in Stockholm. I haven't used an umbrella for too long also. The last time I used it was two months ago, the time when I went to chapters to buy a guidebook to Stockholm before my Europe trip. And I actually bought a brand new "VANCOUVER UMBRELLA" for my trip, I thought England would be as miserably rainy as it's known to be. Surprisingly, for the whole duration of my stay in London, no single drop of rain came.

After coming back to Vancouver, the weather has been so nice that it's sunny everyday, and too sunny for the past few days. I was getting tired of these wonderful warm weeks, especially when I have suffered enough heat in Europe already. So imagine my delight when it was wet and windy outside today, my mood is especially bright at work today, same goes with my customer service!

Another thing I like about such summer rainy days is that my mood calms down for a bit. During sunny days I'm always too occupied by thoughts about going out for a bike ride, meeting up with folks, visiting friends. The rain takes away some of such tendencies, and I turn blue for a while, but not melancholy blue, but appreciation blue,.. then I relax, like now, I'm lying on the sofa with a huge computer resting on my fat stomach, typing away on this blog, and I enjoy seeing it going up, then down, up, then down, consistently with my breathing. My stomach feels warm now from the macbook.

But Dear someone,

I don't know if the blue is really not the melancholy blue though. There are still things that are troubling me. Things that I have been thinking for quite a long time but haven't yet come up with responses. Then I must realise, I'm a fortunate kid already, what right do I have to be expecting more, to be satisfied, who am I to be thinking about such unnecessary affairs, do they matter enough.... yet again, the love, honesty, loyalty, or respect from others, they are some of the most precious to me, and I'm beginning to lose some.

Things need not to be so pessimistic perhaps, perhaps, I simply need to learn to have greater ego, to learn not to bother. Perhaps again, it is exactly this ego that ignited all this shit, should I even expect love, honesty, and all that crap from people.

Time to be afraid?